Fourth of July

This year the fourth was different for me. I did not dread the day or wish it would go away. I didn't worry about the "what ifs". This year marks 23 years since my mom died on July 4th...and it was the first fourth of July since her death that I really enjoyed myself and was relaxed.

I did look at the clock at 11:30am, 11:35am and every five minutes until noon. During that time a white butterfly flew past and then a beautiful orange and black butterfly landed on our citrus tree.

The girls asked me if I wanted to go and put flowers on the grave and I told them no. Since her death I have only visited the grave a few times and it brings back the memories of her funeral. I choose to remember all the good times each day and know she is in Heaven. I don't need to visit the grave to remember her or know she is in Heaven.

"but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:31

I love you Mom and miss you so much!!

Just as with Jesus... I know that He has risen and is with me each day. I thank God that this year has been a year of letting go and letting God. 

This year for the fourth of July the girls and I blew up, (thanks to the air compressor), two pools for the backyard. We called our backyard the Collins Resort. We had a kiddie pool, for my granddaughter, an adult pool, a swing set with a slide and free access to bathrooms, free parking (for my granddaughters motorcycle and her princess car) food, drinks and AC.

We spent the day enjoying the sun and not having to worry about beach traffic.

In years past we have always watched the fireworks in Port Orange but this year we went to Ormond...the city where I grew up. We picked up my husband at work and arrived at the Casements early. We walked around and listened to the live band as my granddaughter danced around.

It has been many years since I was in Ormond for the fourth. It brought back alot of memories. Memories of parking at church with my parents and walking down to the library to watch the fireworks. My mom's expressions when the "weeping willow" type of firework would go off.  Years of traveling the Granada bridge on my way to high school or down the Granada approach to the beach. Driving past the Casements to try and beat traffic. All the memories of my childhood and teenage years rushed through my brain like ocean waves crashing on the beach.

I realized that I did not want to go to Ormond in the past to watch fireworks because I had never dealt with my past and emotions that I had kept burried. It was too painful but I am thankful that this year I have been given the grace and mercy of a loving God daily and learning to deal and move past those issues.

I did struggle with dizziness, nausea and the loud ringing in my ears. As the night went on it got a little bit harder to deal with as the music got louder, the crowd got bigger and the breeze stopped blowing. I was determined not to give up and when the fireworks started I closed my eyes and prayed for God to give me His strength to make it through and put all my trust in Him. He hasn't failed me and as always showed up right on time.

I sat and enjoyed the fireworks..... and even enjoyed it more.... watching my granddaughter lay in her mothers arms and look up at the sky and the beautiful colors. Watching my husband play around with the daughter that will be graduating in a few short months. Life is so precious!

Thank you God for always being there. Thank you for the continued grace and mercy you give me.  

A Busy Month

June was a busy month. So busy in fact that I neglected my quiet time each morning. I did not neglect to pray through the day but neglected the sit still and be quiet part of my day.

Some of the things that kept me busy was my granddaughters second birthday. We went to the zoo and boy was it hot and humid but so much fun.

I was in bed with the flu for several days and I am still trying to fight it off.


Went to a golf clinic and learned how to use irons. Then my grandfather came to the course and helped me learn chip shots.

During the month I have written blogs but have not taken the time to type them and post them. I have neglected online studies and overall have just been tired from constantly being on the go and being sick. I have enjoyed being on the go and thank God daily for being able to go and do. I am relying on His strength to get me through each day and the wisdom to learn how to deal with the physical and emotional tiredness that comes with each outing. 

I'm Trading

"I'm trading my sorrows,
I'm trading my shame,
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness,
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord
Yes Lord
Yes Lord
 Yes Yes Lord!"
by: Darrell Evans

As I walked out of my fourth Cardiologist appointment in a week I was emotional. My husband did not come back in the room with me to hear the results so as I repeated them to him on the way to the car I broke down and cried.

I wasn't crying because I received horrible news or that the sky was falling. I was crying because the tests were over and it was a big relief. I was crying and needed his support and help to understand some things that I was told. I was crying because I had become too silent in complaining when I didn't feel good. I was crying because there will be more tests in the near future.

I don't know about you but when a Doctor comes in to talk with me sometimes I hear what he is saying and understand but fear takes over and I mentally shut down. Then the bargaining starts...if I do this will it help, if I do that will it help?

Once we got home I needed to do something to release my emotions. My husband loves to play golf so I asked him if he wanted to go play. I knew he couldn't say no to me on that one....

We went and had lunch at the course and then shot some golf balls. I had some clubs that my grandmother had given me years ago so I broke them out. What a great way to release emotions on such a little object...a golf ball. It was fun and he made me laugh.

The next day I went back to the Dentist for some work. I reached out for prayer for both days and off to my appointment I went. I took my Kindle, phone and headphones with me.

When I got back to the room I was comfortable and relaxed. I put the headphones on and started listening to a book by Micca Campbell called and Untroubled Heart. (An excellent book!) She started working on my teeth and then a few minutes into my book for reasons I don't know... it stopped playing. I didn't want to stop the work in my mouth because the sooner she was done the sooner I could leave.

Have you ever tried to take headphones out of a Kindle and put them into an iPhone with out looking? Well I did and started playing my Chris Tomlin music only to hear her say I love his music. (Oops, the headphones did not go into the iPhone.) As I tried to fumble, again without looking, to put the headphones in she told me it was okay I could leave the music on.

The next thing that happened took me by surprise and I KNOW it was ALLLLLLL GOD!

She started singing the song while working on my teeth. Yes, that is correct, singing...not just some song playing on the radio but a Christian song that means alot to me and speaks volumes to me. Her voice was comforting and right on key. A Dentist office? Singing? Christian music? God you are AMAZING!

This song is the song I spoke about in my first blog post, (click the blue link to read my first blog post  http://standingstandingonhispromises.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-love-you-love-god.html ).

The song, How Great Is Our God by Chris Tomlin, is a song that I get lost in when I worship Him.

If I ever doubted there was a God I was soooo wrong! All this is not a coincidence it was God! He is so GREAT! I so don't deserve the grace and love that God is showing me. I have sinned and fallen way short. I am not perfect and not consistent but one thing I surely know is that I love God with all my heart and He sure loves me.

I wish it hadn't taken me over 25 years to come back to a loving and forgiving God.

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
My God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
And my place of safety." Psalm 18:2

Dentist OH MY! - Part 1

How do you trust God when you have never trusted anyone? How do you put your faith in something not seen when things seen have failed you?

Let me tell you how I did it! AND it WORKED!!

This week started out good and has since turned crazy and without God I would have been heavily medicated at this point. Wait, wait, wait...that's not true either. Me? Heavily medicated? I don't do medications so I would not have been medicated I just would have been a complete nervous wreck.


It started Tuesday with the word DENTIST. To some that word means nothing BUT to me it is one of the scarriest words in the English language.

I made this appointment a month ago and knew it was coming up but tried not to think about it. I couldn't sleep Monday night and prayed for God to take away my anxious feelings. When I finally fell asleep I slept good... until I woke up by the grumbling of my stomach. Maybe it was a case of nerves or the fruit smoothies I am drinking but oh my goodness how could I face the day when I couldn't leave the bathroom. You would have thought I had been given a prep for surgery or something. (Sorry, I know T.M.I.)

I wanted to reach out and ask for prayer but fear over came me and the thoughts of what people would think of me stomped on that thought. I could not think of a verse or a song to sing. My mind was consumed with this appointment. This was a new Dentist and... ugh... I just can't put into words what I was feeling. I realized when I asked God to help that the reason I was afraid of asking for prayer is because old smut face doesn't want us to reach out. He wants us to stay in bondage to our fears.

So I put my fingers to work and started texting that I needed prayer. I only reached out to one person because I still felt a little vulnerable and silly for asking for prayer to go to the Dentist.

My daughter drove me to the Dentist office and on the way all I could say to myself was something along the lines of God please help me, please give me peace. I don't know how to trust you and I don't trust you please help me trust you.

As soon as I walked in my Dentist office it was so quiet peaceful and an overall relaxing. Relaxing? A Dentist office? You got to be kidding me! Where is the sound of drilling and the buuuuzzzzzzing of dental instruments and saliva suctioning machines.

When I sat down I looked for the magazines, something to keep me busy, and there sat the Holy Bible. Ahhhh, God you are here with me. Thank you for guiding me to this Dentist. Thank you for the peace I am feeling. I still don't trust you completely but I am trying.

As I looked around the office not one tabloid magazine was found. Only history, golf and childrens magazines and the Holy Bible.

Once I was called back and talked to my new Dentist I realized the reason for my calmness. My Dentist was a Christian and relied on God. YAY!!!!

Before my appointment was over I was told of work that needed to be done but in order to do that I would need to talk to my Cardiologist first. ......S C R E E C H...... everything came to a STOP.

Wait, what? Another car ride, vibrations, busy visual environment, Doctors....I know I am asking God for trust and to learn how to trust but OH MY!

You see I have a leaky valve in my heart...nothing major but something that is supposed to be monitored and welllllll....I haven't had it monitored for two years.

When I contacted my cardiologist Wednesday morning he wanted to see me then. Ugh! TODAY?  Here we go again, I put my fingers to work again and asked for prayer. My appointment was scheduled and I had a little over an hour to get ready and his office was 30 miles away. Riding in a car with dizziness and a stomach that has been upset for three days, a headache and being physically and mentally exhausted....not in my strength was I going to be able to do this. My prayer warrior, my brother Trey, wrote me this when I said that I was emotionally and physically tired today..."Perfect - that way you know it's God. It will not have been done in your own strength."

I got down on my knees and prayed and talked to God, just as if I was talking to someone in the same room with me. I really didn't know what to say and according to my husband I am always politically correct in things I say. So I let down my guard, after all God knows the true me, and said something like this:

God , help me please. I am tired, I don't feel good.

I am trying. I need you 

I know I need to get this done. Please help me.

 Give me peace and YOUR strength.



 .

My husband drove me to the Cardiologist office. Since I had last visited him he had moved his office to a new location and of course we took the interstate because it would be faster but ... the ride was different. I was calm, real calm, no PTSD kicking in, no anxiety, hardly any dizziness, very light to no ringing in my ears, no stomach ache and all I kept saying was Thank You God, in YOUR strength not mine.

When we arrived I became a little worried. OH MY! For me anything over one story throws my dizziness into a tailspin and also means I might need to ride an elevator. I am claustophobic and seen people get stuck in elevators before and it worries me. Maybe, just maybe his office is on the first floor.

Yeppers, you guessed it his office was not on the first floor or even the second floor so I needed to ride the elevator....My first thought was are you kidding me? My husband pointed to the stairs because he knows I don't do elevators and always take the stairs in any building but this time I said God help me. I looked at my husband and said nope taking the elevator. I wish I could have caught his expression it was priceless. I RODE THE ELEVATOR!

All this time I still continued to thank God. I felt normal like my old self...I so did not want the feeling to end.

My cardiologist came in and lectured me on not being there for two years and ordered an EKG to be done now. OH MY!

Then he ordered a series of tests and blood work for the next three days. OH MY! Are you kidding me? All because I went to the Dentist? Okay, I get it payback for not coming in every six months for my routine tests.

God I don't understand but I am trying to trust you. You know better than me you have already gone before and paved the way. I am trying to trust you.

All this time I hardly had any dizziness, no anxiety, no PTSD flare up, little to no ringing in my ears. There is only one explanation and that is God! I live with PTSD, dizziness, ringing in my ears and today I felt normal, peaceful.

Once we got home I didn't want the feeling to end so I suggested to my daughter that she take me to the produce stand while hubby laid down for a nap. Got in the car and we started down the road and it was making me sick. The visual environment was too stimulating, it was hot, my ears were ringing loud and I couldn't understand. All through the produce stand and the ride home I was sick. The difference? I was trying to do it in my own strength and not asking God for help. All my symptoms were back and I was in tears.

My friends, God is real...soooo real. I have experienced His grace, mercy and strength. He showed up right when I needed Him to show up today and when I truly trusted and relied on Him....HE was there! He doesn't promise that I will be healed but that I will be made new in Him. Thank you God for a wonderful day and I quote my brother again in what he told me at the start of today when I asked for prayer...which turned out to be sooooo true!

..."Perfect - that way you know it's God.

 It will not have been done in your own strength."

How can I pray for you today? Leave me a comment below.

Giant Steps Forward and Back

Mother's Day weekend was a wonderful weekend for me on many levels. I enjoyed having my husband off from work all weekend, enjoyed a nice evening with family and had a great Mother's Day with all my girls and hubby.

On Saturday, we went to my grandparents and enjoyed a few hours with them, my Aunt and my cousins. I experienced some dizziness but I was able to manage it. I prayed for God to give me strength and the ability to persevere.

On Sunday, I enjoyed a wonderful breakfast made by my husband as we watched In Touch with Dr. Charles Stanley on television. I prayed again for God to give me strength for the day and the ability to persevere. I rode with my husband for an hour as we did an errand and by the time we got home I ran straight for the bathroom and got sick. I prayed again for strength and was determined not to let this get the best of me. We had plans to go out to dinner and I did not want to disappoint my husband or the girls even though I felt horrible.

We did end up going out to dinner on Mother's Day and my grandparents joined us. The restaurant wasn't busy when we got there and we enjoyed a nice dinner. After dinner and conversation I started not feeling well, it was warm, the ringing in my ears and dizziness was getting worse. As we started walking towards the front of the building doors to leave the sudden confusion was upon me. The visual stimulation from the crowded and noisy restaurant became so overwhelming that as I was walking to the car you would have thought I was drunk. Being pulled to one side because of my dizziness it was all I could do to concentrate on walking to the car.

As everyone stopped to say their goodbyes I was making my way to the car hoping it would be able to hold me up. Something I do when we are out and I am not feeling well is rely on the strength of the car to hold me up....you would think it was KITT from the T.V. show Knight Rider with David Hasselhoff.

I never verbalized what I was going through...I mean seriously how do you verbalize what you are feeling when the other person has never experienced it.... but my husband and daughters knew I wasn't feeling well. When my husband got to the car he asked if I felt good enough to go to the store. I really didn't but I was not going to give up and feel defeated. I was not going to go home and cry because I couldn't make it so I instead of saying no I said yes. On the way to the store I prayed again, yeppers you guessed it,  for strength and the ability to persevere.

Once we arrived at the store there was only a couple of customers inside. We ended up spending a couple of hours in  the store and it was hard. The fluorescent lights and all the stuff on the walls is what made it hard. There were a couple of times where I felt like I was going to fall down because the dizziness got to be too much and the ringing in my ears, oh my, but I persevered.

When we got home I went in my bedroom and cried and thanked God for giving me the strength, His strength, to make it out two days in a row. I was so thankful and happy to have had such a wonderful weekend. Even through all the struggles I DID IT with alot of help from God.

I was looking forward to the week ahead. My husband was back on day shift, my daughter was starting a new job and I was going to be watching my granddaughter. I tried to sleep Sunday night but just couldn't. A part of me, just like a child on Christmas Eve, didn't want to sleep. I didn't want the accomplishments of the weekend to fade away. I wasn't able to sleep Sunday even though I felt completely drained and exhausted. I spent the rest of the week tyring to fight the drained feeling. I think I have it beat and I am looking forward to the weekend.

With the giant steps forward this weekend I also suffered some set backs emotionally, mentally and physically but I am not giving up. No one told me this was going to be easy.

 My confidence through all of this was at an all time high and I truly believe ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD!

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philipians 4:13

A Mere Kernel

I had a feeling come over me similar to the feeling as I began this journey. A feeling of peace but this time I also experienced faith and complete trust in some situations. What a wonderful feeling to have burdens lifted and to feel the weight on my shoulders lighter.

I can't explain the feeling but without warning things I have worried about suddenly did not consume me or bother me. I had prayed about them and given them to God and this time I was determined not to take them back. This was another huge step.

I had trust issues and trusted no one. This is why I had a hard time having faith in God. To have faith you have to trust. In Matthew 17:20 it talks about having faith as a mustard seed, or a mere kernel as The Message version reads.

"Because you're not yet taking God seriously," said Jesus.

 "The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you would tell this mountain, 'Move!' and it would move.

There is nothing you wouldn't be able to tackle."



Again, and I will probably repeat myself a thousand times through this blog, I am Standing on His Promises to see me through my journey!

Reflections of Mom - Day 22

Yesterday was a rough day emotionally and physically. It was also another great step forward. Hubby and I had an afternoon appointment and picked up lunch afterwards at one of my favorite places and went and sat by the river to eat. Nothing like good skinny fries, greasy hamburger and an orange freeze! I will pay the price I know for the orange freeze in a couple of days and be in bed crying for the migraine and being so stupid as to drink one. BUT ohhhh it has been over 12 years since I had an orange freeze and what's a little headache, right? (I'll let you know in a couple of days.)



I struggled with some dizzy spells in the car and since we both left our phones at home, something we NEVER do, I was left with having to stare out the window or close my eyes if the visual stimulation was too much instead of playing a game on my phone. The problem with closing my eyes is that my other senses become highly alert and makes the dizzy spells worse. The natural vibration of a car, no matter how slight the vibration, sets my sense of movement in motion and confuses me as to why I am sitting still if there is movement. The sound of the air condition blowing with the ringing of my ears makes me want to scream. So sometimes it is easier to focus on a street sign and try blocking out the fast moving objects we pass than to close my eyes. Closing my eyes sometimes produces more dizziness and throws off my sense of balance even if I am just sitting.

I just want to be "normal" and "not broken" and drive a car again. Go to places I enjoy and do the things that I enjoy without the ever present ringing in my ears, dizzy spells or confusion. I have come to realize that in our broken places God uses the brokeness to draw us closer to Him. I have been constantly trying to press forward and not face the fact that I will never be my normal again and that has been my problem for too many years. Constantly pressing forward and not truly dealing with anything.

Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:18-19



I also spoke with my dad yesterday and had a heart felt and emotional talk about the post that I was going to post today. Learning from him the reasons for a conversation that he had with my brother and I after mom's death. It was not easy to hear but easy to understand his reasons why.

Here I go.....

In the many reflections of my mom and digging deep into my fears I have come to realize the reasons for my fear of death. It is not death itself but the reality that my family would not have their wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, sister or granddaughter anymore.

If Heaven is how so many people describe it as gold lined streets and no more suffering , pain or sadness then why would I ever fear death? If such a beautiful place exists what on earth is there to fear? (In the Bible Revelation chapter 21 talks of the gold lined streets.)

The answer that I keep coming back to is the people I would leave behind. The husband that would have to cook, clean, iron, take care of kids and do laundry. The daughters that would no longer be able to ask how to do something or ask me to make cookies or cakes. The brother that would no longer be able to call and check on his older sister and keep her in check. The dad that would not have his daughter. The grandparents that would not be able to stop by and visit. The aunts, uncles and cousins. The ability to say I love you's and feeling the warmth of a loving hug. All things that I miss about my mother.

I still remember the day not long after my mom's funeral when I went by my parents home and saw my dad sitting in our family room crying because he was missing my mom. That was hard to see my dad crying..you see, I never saw my dad cry until my mom's funeral. He was a Daytona Beach Police Officer and he never cried. He was tough and somebody I knew better than to cross or disobey. I wish I could say I never disobeyed my father the cop..... but I did. To this day I have a permanent bruise on my chest from the police officer poke when I got in trouble. AND only now as a parent of two adult daughters and a teenager can I say I DESERVED IT! Thank you dad for being you and I LOVE YOU!

Anyways, at that time I made the decision that I had to be strong no matter what (closing of one door). I remember offering to fix dinner, at the time I thought I knew how to cook, but dad declined and offered instead to go out to eat.  Smart guy! I mean after all I was 19 and thought I knew it all! What 19 year old doesn't? Boy did I have alot to learn.

At dinner that night, (Quincy's..I still remember the day as if it was today hot yeast rolls with butter~YUMMY!), dad told my brother and I that we were all going to be okay and that from that day forward we were not going to say things like "mom would have wanted you to do this" or "you know mom would be disappointed" happy or sad. We knew what mom expected and we didn't need to constantly say it. He told me that I had a family and I needed to tend to my family and he and my brother would be fine. We all needed to go on with our lives. I needed my mom though...I had only been married a year, had a daughter, needed direction, needed help, how do I potty train, how do I make my favorite meals and desserts, how does married life work, how do I not pick up the phone to call daily.....all that kept going through my head was we all needed to go on with our lives. (closing of another door)

That night forever changed me. A part of me shut down that day.... closed those doors..... burried it deep and threw away the key. No more calling several times a day to check on everyone or talk about our days like I used to do with my mom. No more going by the house every few days to check on my little brother and my dad. It all ended that day.

I became very selfish and thought only about me and my family. My life froze at that time and from that point on I just did what I had to do to survive never thinking about the future or what ifs. Just did what made me happy and tried to figure life out on my own. Over the years I tried drinking and experimenting with drugs to forget about the pain I felt of missing my mom but nothing ever took the pain away it would always return along with regret of knowing better.

For most people after graduation from high school it is a time of life experiences and preparing for the future but for me I was starting my life of being paralyzed by fear and selfishness and trying to find happiness.

Click the below link to listen to the song I Am New by Jason Gray.

I Am New by Jason Gray

Now I won't deny

The worst you could say about me

But I'm not defined

By mistakes that I've made

Because God says of me

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

Who I thought I was

And who I thought I had to be

I had to give them both up

Cause neither were willing

to ever believe

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

Too long I have lived

In the shadows of shame

Believing that there

was no way I could change

But the one who is making everything new

Doesn't see me the way that I do

He doesn't see me the way that I do

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

I am not who I was I am being remade

I am new

Dead to the old man, I'm coming alive

I am new

Forgiven beloved

Hidden in Christ

Made in the image of the Giver of Life

Righteous and holy

Reborn and remade

Accepted and worthy

this is our new name

This is who we are now.....

Not Giving Up - Day 21

I want to start by saying that today I wanted to give up doing my journey. This is and has become harder than I realized it was going to be. This is my real raw life, raw emotions, raw truth, raw physical issues and pain that has been locked away for too many years. Going back and opening doors that I locked away decades ago is not easy. In fact it down right stinks!

I reached out to a prayer warrior and asked for prayer because I wanted to give up. I was reminded that I was on a healing journey. It made me stop and think. If I physically get hurt, such as a cut, at first it hurts but then over time it heals and eventually the pain goes away. This journey is going to be no different...at first this is going to hurt but in time the pain will go away.

A timely blog post that I read tonight was from Stephanie Clayton. The below paragraph is just a small portion of her powerful blog today. If you want to read her full blog post go to stephanieclayton.org.

                                  Why must I go back?

Have you ever heard someone say, “You can’t move on to the future until you have

effectively dealt with your past”? I have, and I believe it is true. We don’t go back to

the past so that we can re-drag ourselves through suffering. We go back because it

helps us understand why we are the way we are. And when we understand these things,

we can effectively address our self-destructive behaviors, and move towards change.

So my blog followers, follow along as tomorrow I get back on track and refuse to give up and move forward on this healing journey of mine.

"I will rise on eagles wings
no more sorrow, no more pain"
I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

Mom - Wings Like Eagles Day 17-18

"but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31 NIV

While I have been nursing my back the last couple of days I have been thinking alot about my mom. She went to be with the Lord in Heaven on July 4th, 1989 a few minutes before noon. I say a few minutes before noon because that morning she was taken from the house I grew up in to the hospital and the nurse told us that before the noon hour she would be in Heaven and she was right.

The above verse was her favorite and I have always pictured her getting her freedom from this world on Independence Day. Soaring on wings like ealges as she went to Heaven. The below is a picture of hers that hung in our living room growing up.

                      Not sure who the artist is of this painting.



I have often wondered how she maintained a strength so strong as she fought her cancer battle for a little over six months. My mom was a woman that I thought was Superwoman with a capital "S". Always going, always so strong, always caring, always knew the right things to say at the right times and never met a stranger. Her arms were so big that she could take care of my dad, my brother and me and still have time for church and extended family. She was the strongest christian woman I have ever known.

I always came back to this verse..."..those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength..".."..they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint". As I spent time with her during those last few months of her life I was always amazed at her strength and faith in God.

I was 19 at the time and I am not sure if I was naive and thought she was going to get better, didn't know the whole truth or really didn't understand. What I do know is that as I watched her suffer everyday she never lost her faith. I never said the things I needed to say to her or asked the questions that I needed to ask BUT I did tell her daily several times that I loved her.

As she laid on her bed in her bedroom I would put my daughter, her granddaughter, on the bed...no matter how sick she was she wanted "grannie's girl" to sit on the bed to crawl and sit with her. To play with her little blocks.  "...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength..".

As I continue on my journey I am going to cling to this verse.

My mom now has more granddaughters and a great-granddaughter and would spoil them to no end I am sure!

I miss you Mom!!

"I'll breathe my life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of my strength."
My Beloved by Kari Jobe

"I'm F.I.N.E." Days 12-16

I am "fine" is all I keep saying. When in reality Renee Swope's words best say how I am really feeling.

Frazzled Irritated Neurotic and Exhausted

"Sometimes I think we tell people we're fine even when we're not, because we want to be. Or we

hope by saying we are fine, eventually we will be.

Other times we act like we're fine because others expect us to be. Then there are days when hormones trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows we are not FINE. We say we're fine but what we really mean is we are F.razzled, I.rritated, N.eurotic, and E.xhausted!" by Renee Swope

I knew this journey of mine was not going to be easy but I did not realize how hard this journey was really going to be both mentally and physically. From digging deep into things I have kept hidden and kept to myself to facing the truth about my health issues. The last few days have been total blah!

The ringing in my ears is at an all time high the last few days and has brought me to tears more times than I care to count. Lifting my 27 pound granddaughter last night,  I know is a no no since I am not supposed to lift anything more than 15 pounds the rest of my life, now has me nursing an already bad back with shooting pain. This added to everyday life and sisterly fighting has me feeling "F.I.N.E.".

I am going to try to choose to be Standing on His Promises. How do you handle your "F.I.N.E." days?

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 NIV

Not Cool - Day 11

Is it "cool" to follow God? In the world's eyes, No.

Is it "cool" to rely on God's direction for your life? In the world's eyes, No.

Is it "cool" to believe in God... someone that is not seen? In the world's eyes, No.

How do you or can you believe in God when there is so much bad that happens or has happened to you or in the world? How do you know there is a God? How can you have faith when bad things happen? Why would God allow so much hurt and destruction?

Above is several questions that have been asked of me and some I have felt and questioned myself. But stop for a minute and think....

Have you ever sat in a chair and worried if it was going to break OR did you believe and have faith that it was going to hold you up? Do you eat food everday and wonder if it is going to make you sick OR do you just have faith and eat. Do you look at the ground you walk on and wonder if it is going to fall or do you have faith with every step that it will be solid?

To me God is real and I choose to believe that there is a God. I look at it like this...I would rather believe there is a God instead of not believing and when I die find out that I should have believed when I stand at the gates of Heaven. What do I have to lose by believing in God? Nothing, but I do have everything to gain by believing.

God never promised this life would be easy but he did promise to be with us during each and every step. I have mentioned this before and I am going to repeat it...if God allowed His son Jesus Christ to die on the cross and suffer for our sins how can I not expect some form of suffering or trials in my life? Adam and Eve disobeyed God and they suffered consequences for their disobedience. Just as a child I suffered consequences from my parents so we as women and men suffer consequences for Adam and Eve's actions even today. Women suffer pain/labor in childbirth because of Eve's actions and men suffer burdesome labor or hard work in their work. This is written in the Bible in Genesis 3:16;17, God is speaking to Adam and Eve after they disobeyed and ate the apple.

Genesis 3:16
To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children."

Genesis 3:17
To the man he said,
"...Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life."

We all suffer consequences for our actions in everyday life but some of our actions cause other people to suffer the consequences. For example, you are riding on a bus/train/plane/car and someone else is driving if they fall asleep and cause a crash we suffer. Just as in my car accident I suffer because of someone else's actions.

Bottom line...I would rather be "not cool" and believe and have faith in a God I can not see than to die and realize that I missed out on eternal life in Heaven.

Today, choose to look around you and see all of God's beauty. Take a few minutes and look at the grass, the birds, lizards, the sun shining, the sun's reflection on the water, the beautiful sky, rain, clouds and know that God made it all.

Sleep - Day 10

Have you ever had trouble sleeping? You fall asleep only to wake up an hour later and not be able to fall back asleep. You lay down and your mind is racing with things on your mental to do list and you just can't fall asleep. You exercise during the day to wear yourself out and you cut out all caffeine in hopes it will help you fall asleep and stay asleep.

It is the little things in life that I have found that I took for granted... like sleeping. For many years the ability to sleep and stay asleep was not a problem for me. When I was growing up our backyard was normal size yard with a fence. The only difference was on the other side of the fence was train tracks. So I learned at a young age to sleep through anything including the loud choo choo train as it roared past my parents house.

For the last several years I find that falling asleep and/or staying asleep is something I can no longer do. If I get two or three hours of sleep, inlcuding waking up and falling back asleep, I consider it a Grrreeeeaaatttt (in my best Tony the Tiger voice) night. I don't know if my lack of sleep is related to my hysterectomy several years ago or any of my other health issues but sleep is something that I took for granted.

A friend once said that she learned to have pen and paper next to her bed along with a standing cross. When she went to bed she would write down what was on her mind and pray for a restful night and leave her cares/worries under the cross. If she woke up before her alarm she would write down what was on her mind and pray and leave it at the cross. She promised it would not be easy at first but I would soon see that leaving my cares/worries in God's hands not only would He handle them if I put my faith in Him but I should be able to sleep a little better. I will say that I am able to relax a little more but sleep still has not returned for me.

I would be very interested to hear from any of you if you have a problem sleeping and what has or has not worked for you. You can leave me a comment down below or if you prefer message me on Facebook.


"Cast your cares upon the Lord
and he will sustain you;" Psalm 55:22 NIV

This Little Light of Mine - Day 9

After a tough afternoon riding in a car to and from an appointment with my husband and having my PTSD rear its ugly head because of the car ride. My husband pulled into 7-Eleven on our way home.

When we pulled up and stopped all I wanted to do at that point was get home. We had the cable guy at our house and had already received one phone call from one of our adult daughters asking how much longer before we were home. She felt uncomfortable that the cable guy had arrived and needed to come in the house. She wasn't alone her sisters were home too but it increased stress/anxiety I was already feeling. I closed my eyes and said a prayer for protection and peace for her as well as myself. When I finished my prayer I opened my eyes to see my husband come walking out of the store with my favorite all time drink. A Slurpee...not just any Slurpee but a banana Slurpee. Thank you, thank you, thank you hubby!! Brain freeze here I come....YIPPPEEEE!!!

We pull up at home a couple minutes later and ease our daughters mind. Cable guy left a little while later and we decided to do hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill... potato salad and sweet tea. What better way to end a beautiful sunny day then sitting outside grilling with my husband and our girls.

With dinner being done everyone went in the house and I took the food off the grill and thought I turned the grill off. A couple hours later my husband rolled the gas grill into the garage and closed the garage. Yeppers, you guessed it, fast foward to 5:30 am when one of our daughters discovers that the gas grill has been on all night with the flames going inside. A much smaller flame then when I was grilling of course because the gas was running out and the flame was starting to disappear.

I thanked God for His protection and that the flame was contained to the inside of the closed grill. It reminded me how much a gas grill is like christians. If you leave a flame burning it is going to burn out and you have to refill the gas to keep the flame alive. We, as God's children, have to keep our light alive by fueling ourselves each day with His word. Without His word lighting our souls daily we are going to be just like the flame on the gas grill... the light is going to go out.

The little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine
The little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..........

Nerve Damage - Day 8

Yesterday I woke up just like any other day. Started my day with my devotions and then read something from Lysa Terkeurst on Facebook that stopped me in my tracks. She was asking for prayers for ringing in her ears that had not stopped since she had ear surgery a week ago. My heart immediately went out to her as I could feel her pain. I prayed for the Doctors to be able to diagnosis what was wrong and prayed it was temporary.

As I went on about my day I thought about her and the new frustration that she was facing. The constant loud ringing...not being able to sit in a quite room for the loud high pitch ringing, having to ask people to repeat themselves or just nodding that you understand what they said when you really didn't hear them. The headaches from straining to listen or from the constant ringing. The distraction it causes when you are trying to concentrate and the ringing that interrupts your concentration. It is SO frustrating and completely wears me out...so I prayed as I went through the day that if it was God's will to heal her that he would.

Later in the afternoon Lysa posted again that she was diagnosed with severe nerve damage and hearing loss. My heart broke as I read those words...severe nerve damage and hearing loss...it brought back the memories of my Vestibular Nerve Damage and Meniere's diagnosis and the hearing loss that went along with it and the flood of emotions that I felt. To be told one diagnosis...that was enough but two? AND to hear the words from a Specialist "Double Whammy". That didn't help with the anxiety or the fear of the unknown. What was my world now going to be like? Do I have to live like this forever? There is no cure? There is no pill to take to ease the symptoms or to make it go away? (For me even if there was a pill to take I wouldn't take it. Too many weird side effects have happened to me and I prefer not to take anything.) 

One part of me was relieved to have a diagnosis but then another part was scared and fearful and wanted to snap my fingers and make it all go away. To go back in time and take away my car accident or even to stay at work instead of going to lunch that day. BUT going back wasn't an option I needed to stand tall, face it and learn how to live with it.

My heart goes out to Lysa and I pray for God to give her the patience and peace to deal with this new way of living that she will experience or for her healing if it is God's will.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:1-4 NIV


                       Thank you God for such a beautiful blue clear sky!

The Car Accident That Changed My Life - Day 5

Today was a great day for me. My husband and I got up this morning and went for a long drive and even went into a store. To some of you this may not seem like a big deal but for me it was HUGE. Imagine for a moment drinking alcohol to the point of being passed the drunk stage. The point where dizziness sets in, the room spins, your head feels too heavy for your body and that awful sick feeling in the pit of your stomach with any movement and doing everything you possibly can to hold yourself up and not get sick. This is what I experience daily. Some days are better than others and I never know when it will come on.

I have what is called Vestibular Nerve Damage, Meniere's Disease, Nerve Damage, Aura Migraines, TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Basically saying my sense of balance is off, my ears ring with a high pitch constantly and feel full as if I have swimmers ear, I don't sense hot or cold until it has passed the point of extreme. I have headaches but I am lucky enough not to have the pain associated with it. But the down side is I do get the neurological effects such as sensitivity to light, sound, smells, nausea and dots or flashes of lights in my eyes. The hard part in all of this is from the outside I look completely normal but all of this internal junk is enough to drive me crazy.

Before my accident my girls and I were constantly on the go and only home long enough to shower and sleep. From school activities, the beach, out of town NASCAR races, out of town NFL games, MLB games, concerts, Gator Nationals and weekend trips. We were always on the go and always traveling. Today my life does not include any of those things.

Let me explain the day that changed my life forever. It was a little over 11 years ago... a bright beautiful sunny day in December, a Wednesday December 13th. I woke up like any other morning got the girls dressed and off to school. Headed to work and around lunch time my boyfriend at the time called and asked if I wanted to go to lunch. We were busy at work and I felt a little nudge to say no but knew I had to eat and ignored that little warning "no" and said yes to him anyway.

He picked me up around noon and we headed to get something to eat. I still remember to this day how blue, clear and sunny the Florida sky was. As we approached the traffic light to make a right I noticed two people I knew from work. One was a Paramedic that had been asking me to go on a date for a few months and the other was his partner and EMT. They were standing by their ambulance as we passed them. Little did I know in a couple of minutes a mile or so down the road they would be dispatched to rescue me from my car accident. A car accident that has forever changed my life.

I was a passenger in a Ford Thunderbird driven by my boyfriend at the time. He had stopped in the left hand lane, of a main street in our city, along with a line of cars for a car making a u-turn. The only vehicle that didn't stop was a Ford F350 truck traveling at 50+ mph in a 40 mph zone. This truck switched from the right lane to the left lane never once applying the brakes as he slammed into the rear passenger side of  the car I was in. The force was so great that the backseat of the car was now even with the front seat. The seat I was sitting in due to the force of the impact broke the bolts loose and my seat just moved around.

I was told I was thrown into the front windshield with my head, cracked the glass and then busted out the passenger window also with my head. You see the only memeory I have to this day is seeing my ambulance friends at the corner when we turned and then the seeing the Paramedic, (that five years later became my husband), I knew standing at my window holding my hand telling me with the sun shining brightly behind him to stay still and calm they had to use the jaws of life to cut me out but he would stand there and hold my hand the whole time. The next memory I have was waking up in the hospital.

I spent three months doing test after test and physical therapy only to be told I needed surgery on my cervical spine to fuse it together because there was a piece of bone as sharp as a knife showing on an MRI that was pressing on my spine. I was told that I needed a plate screwed in my neck and to remove the sharp piece and without surgery I could be paralyzed from the neck down with the slightest jolt of my body. Well to me I would rather take the risk then to go under anesthesia for three to four hours and risk not waking up. My kids would be left without their mother and I knew that feeling all too well and didn't want them to experience it.

So I put my surgery off for a full year all the while experiencing strange and weird feelings with my health. Being a single parent trying to raise my kids and living that year in fear that if I fell, missed my footing, had a fender bender or even played too hard with the girls I could be paralyzed. After visiting Doctor after Doctor, EKG, EEG, MRI's, CT's, X-Ray's and Specialist after Specialist it was determined that I had no choice but to do the surgery. My health was getting worse, more damage was being done and finally I gave in and had to have the surgery done.

I went to the hospital that morning kicking, screaming, crying and trying to do everything I could to get out of it. The thought of them cutting my neck and moving everything around to screw a plate into my cervical spine and the fear of not waking up from the anesthesia did not make me happy. I couldn't control, (there is that word again from a previous post), a truck hitting the car but I could control not going under anesthesia...that was my thought process. Death...aftraid of dying. Afraid of leaving my girls without their mother. FEAR, FEAR, FEAR...fear of the unknown.

Waking up and the healing process was even more painful. For a year after my surgery I experienced dizziness, nausea, motion sickness and the worst of all food allergies. Never before did I have food allergies and now here I was allergic to peanuts, dairy and chocolate...all my favorite foods. It took me about six months to a year after my surgery to discover the allergies and boy were those feelings in my chest and breathing problems scary.

Doctor visit after Doctor visit being told that I had anxiety and depression all the while fighting back knowing something wasn't right created alot of anxiety. I could not go into stores because the dizziness was so bad that I would get confused. I couldn't drive on busy main roads due to confusion. Two and half years later I ended up in bed unable to do anything from the dizziness. Unable to read, watch TV and I couldn't sleep for the constant motion. I felt like I was on a tea cup ride at Disney World or laying on a waterbed at night. Finally, I ended up at an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist in another city that ran some extensive tests and made the diagnosis. It was such a relief to finally have a name, Vestibular Nerve Damage, tests to prove and someone to believe me after all the fighting I did. He also explained that when the visual stimulation occurs from looking at something it is like a traffic jam. The information gets losts with the never damage and causes the confusion and dizziness. I spent the next six months doing everything he told me several times a day and digging deep to fight to have some type of new functioning normal in my life. To be able to drive, go out to eat and enjoy the things I used to do. March of 2004 I went back to work and two months after that I started to drive. Luckily I worked close enough to home that I could drive on residential streets more than on main busy roads.

I had many struggles over the past eight years but I was able to find a new way to function. Until two and a half years ago...I found myself back at home with an increased dizziness, (above what I was used to), muscle stiffness, confusion and weakness. After a couple of Doctors visits I was told I had the flu and take it easy and rest. Then to be at work weeks later and have everything go black and end up on the floor and  taken to the E.R. by ambulance only to be told that it has to do with the nerve damage in my ear.

My mind started racing back to having to fight with all the Doctors again to listen to me, tests to run to determine why the increase in symptoms... I just didn't have it in me anymore. I was extremely tired from only sleeping a couple of hours a night, I didn't have the strength to fight, I didn't have the will to fight anymore... I was begging for help but no one knew what to do...it was a daily struggle with the dizziness over the years to do normal tasks that I took for granted before my car accident. Things like bending over and unloading the dishwasher without falling, going into a store and not being confused because of too much visual stimulation and eating what I wanted and not worrying about being allergic to that food are just a couple of the things that have been hard for me. My whole life and lifestyle changed.

In all this there was one person that heard me and heard my cries...God. He is real and I have experienced His love, grace and mercy in my life. In the beginning of last year I went back to the Doctor only to have more work done and over a series of months was told that I had Hypokalemia. So now I monitor my potassium intake each day to make sure it stays at the level they want.

I am on my way back with a renewed fight and I am trying to reach that level of being able to function with all the health issues. It could be worse and I am thankful for this fight that I have and the ability each day to get up and push myself a little further. It has not been an easy road for myself or my family. It has been a huge strain. But I am so thankful to get up each day and be able to love on my husband, daughters and granddaughter.

Through this the one constant has been God. He has been there each step of the way. Reaching for me when I was not following Him and now guiding me that I am following Him on my new journey.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

His Plans Not Mine - Day 4

Have you ever woke up in the morning and planned your day only to have to re-plan as you go along? This was me today... I woke up, got dressed and sent my husband off for an inservice at work. I had so many things to do that my list is now two pages long of to do items. I kept telling myself I did not have time to do my daily quite time that I would put it off until tomorrow. Then I realized...I was on a journey to get better and heal...so I did my devotion and prayed my daily prayer but this time I asked God to direct my steps in what He wanted me to do today. After I finished my quite time with God I mapped out my day.

It went something like this...
1. Continue laundry (now that I have all my family under one roof again we have assigned days to do our laundry and of course I am behind)
2. Ironing (I used to love it but when you have two loads of laundry needing to be ironed and the washing machine and dryer still to unload...need I say more?)
3. Plan dinner
4. Plan a surprise evening out after dinner with hubby
5. Try driving around the block
6. Try going into the grocery store
7. Find a home for all the "stuff" that I moved out of both of my daughters rooms when they moved back home
8. Start my online Bible study questions
9. Clean out and rearrange the garage
10. Walk a half mile
11. Schedule Doctors appointments
And the list goes on...sounds like a pretty good, quite and uneventful day...BUT that is not how my day unfolded. Remember..I asked in my prayer time for God to guide my steps today.

So, after quite time it started...I made sure one daughter was awake to take a test at the college this morning. Only to find out when she went to leave the house that her ID was in the car that my hubby took to work. Which meant she would have to miss the test and try and reschedule it. After numerous calls to the college she had to reschedule the test, this caused her to be very upset because she had been studying for it all week and all night. BUT it was an opportunity for me to show her love and the ability for her to have more time to study. Thank you God for this chance to show love and encouragement.

Then I went and woke up daughter number two and after breakfast she started in on her outside chores assigned as punishment. Her attitude was roaring as if she was a lion about to attack and I let that energy come out in her yard work. The attitude has been hanging around for a little longer than it should and dealing with some other issues as well. My attitude I could feel was starting to grow so I thank you God for yard work and the ability to remain calm and ask for forgiveness for my attitude.

Next daughter number three woke up, ate breakfast and started job hunting only to be discouraged by the constant let downs of organizations not hiring. Thank you God for the doors you are going to open for her and the chance I have to encourage her.

Then my granddaughter woke up and was ready to dance, run, play, sing and scream the second her feet hit the ground. Thank you God for the energetic, bouncing, bubbly precious gift from you that keeps me running around acting as if I was two years old and in need of a nap by noon.

As I went about my day I kept praying for all of my girls and the wisdom to be able to help them in each of their unique situations. I was blessed to have two very dear christian friends come over and visit my husband and I tonight. Their words of wisdom, experience and encouragement were right on time. Just as God is never early or late but right on time with what I need when I need it.

Tomorrow is another day to try and do my to do list but if God has other plans for me then I welcome the interruption.

"My voice You shall hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning I will direct it to You, and I will look up." Ps. 5:3 NKJV

"We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God's purpose prevails." Proverbs 19:21 The Message

Planting Seeds - Day 3

I am so very thankful for this journey that I am on, even though currently it has been confined to the 2500+ square feet I call home, I am still so very thankful. I thank those of you that have reached out to me and appreciate all of your support.

Since I posted Day 2, I have had one of my moms friends reach out to me and let me know some things about my mom that I didn't know. Extended family that has shown me the true meaning of family by living and modeling honest living. A shared quiet moment of relief tears with a family member when we realized the true reason we were digging for the truth. The love being shown by my church. Doors opening that I thought would NEVER open (more to be shared as I walk through the doors) and a phone call with a friend who made me laugh so hard my stomach and face hurt for hours.

Yesterday, I did just what I said I was going to do in my previous post. I gave the trash men cold bottled water and thanked them for the job that they do and they were so thankful. It made me stop and think how many people are in the world day in and day out doing jobs that we take for granted. What would happen if we had to dispose of our own trash? What would happen if there was no dump for the trash? Just my thoughts... on a job and people that I have taken for granted.

On to my next thought...Have you ever heard someone say you reap what you sow or plant a seed and watch it grow? I have had to learn to sit back and to be patient, be still, and wait on God. To learn to plant seeds of God's word in truth and love and watch it grow.

Speaking of planting seeds... My husband gave me roses on Valentine's Day and after they died I planted them in a pot in hopes they would come back alive. I watched them daily, watered them and cut back leaves.... and today..... two months later, they are blooming.

"Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." John 12:24 NIV

Let The Journey Begin

Have you ever been really afraid of something? Your heart starts pounding, your mind starts racing and you are suddenly paralyzed with fear. Maybe you have watched a suspense film, heard a noise in the middle of the night or had the phone ring at 2:00 am that gets your blood racing through your veins with fear of the unknown and "what ifs". I have experienced this way too many times to remember and have allowed it to consume my life along with my health issues.

For me the fear and worry started at a very early age. As a toddler I learned to roller skate at my family's business and at 18 months old competed in front of large crowds until I was around 13. I would forget my routine and have to search the crowd for my mom to dance on the sidelines to get me moving and out of the paralyzed fear induced frozen state I was in. This is something I can still experience just writing about it.

Throughout life I have had a series of scary and traumatic events that have formed who I am today and the reason for this journey back.  Here are a few of those events...losing my Aunt and Uncle at a young age from a trucking accident, working as teller at a bank and being robbed, abused as a child from a family member, adultery in my marriage and an ex-husband who borrowed a gun and planned to kill me, our daughters and himself. I am thankful to this day for my dad and his police skills for recognizing the situation and getting us out. Losing my mother to cancer when I was 19 and having a daughter that was 10 months old and not sure my self how to be a mother. Six months after my mom died my dad, while working undercover at the Daytona 500, suffered a major heart attack and died on the ER table. He was brought back to life but it left me fearful of death and realizing that one day I would be without any parents. My brother serving overseas in the Navy and hearing of suicide bombers at markets and wondering and worrying if he would come back home. Wondering if that could happen here in my grocery store or my mall. A rape, a car broken into, and my car accident almost 12 years ago that left me with health issues that I have had to learn how to overcome and adapt and just plain deal with.

All these situations are not something for me to be ashamed of and not ONE of these events could I have prevented. I have always been a called a “worry wart” for as long as I can remember and I am a control freak. I always need things to be just right, not perfect, but just right. (Your saying you’re a control freak D just admit it.) Anyway, what I am trying to say is not one of the events did I have the ability to control. What I have been able to do these last two years is forgive those who have hurt me and I am working on asking those that I have hurt to forgive me.

Since letting go of the anger and hurt that I have held onto I have been able to be more supportive and compassionate to those dealing with problems. I am slow to speak, quick to listen and even slower to anger. I have learned to turn all this over to God and let go of the fear and worry that has consumed me all my life. I believe there is 366 times that “fear not” is stated in the Bible. That means that each day there is no reason to fear anything but to know that God has the situation in His hands and is walking with us. Some have asked me how can you believe in a God that allows bad things to happen to good people? Well, my response is He never promised this life would be easy and without problems but what He did promise is to give us the strength and courage to get through any situation. I look at it this way. He allowed His son to suffer on the cross…..His own son…why should I, or anyone else expect to not suffer in this life.


This is me and my journey and my thoughts it is not meant to offend anyone. This is my reflection and my healing journey!

Today I forgot to take pictures of my journey but promise moving forward to share a picture here and on Instagram and maybe Facebook. I will post each morning of my "plans" for the day and then take pictures as I do them and share my journey. As always please leave me a comment below, call me or maybe come join me one day on my journey.

The whole family did work outside our house today and I am especially grateful for my husband and my oldest daughter. They spent 13 hours on the road yesterday moving our oldest daughter home only to wake up this morning and start moving things again. Organizing every inch of our shed and putting a good size dent in our garage. We cleaned and decluttered... the trash men will absolutely love us tomorrow. I am going to try and be outside when they pick up the trash and offer a bottle of water to thank them for the job I couldn't do.  Thank you my beautfiul family, I love you!

“Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you
  will end up out in the cold-
  real losers.
Those who worked against you
  will end up empty-handed-
  nothing to show for their lives.
When you go out looking for your old adversaries
  you won’t find them-
Not a trace of your old enemies,
  not even a memory.
That’s right. Because I, your God,
  have a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go.
I’m telling you, “Don’t panic I’m right here to help you.”
Isaiah 41:11-13 MSG