Uncomfortable

A week ago a friend challenged me to get uncomfortable in my life and write a blog post about it. I explained that I only write when I feel led to do so. She encouraged me to write anyway. So I accepted the challenge and thought how hard can this be. Boy, I was not prepared for what would happen over the next week. 

When I started thinking about the word uncomfortable the following situations came to mind.

• That feeling of eating too much at Thanksgiving and your pants are too tight.
• Gaining too much weight and not being able to fit in your clothes.
• This one is for us ladies: You are in a hurry to go to the beach/pool with the kids that you forget you haven't shaved your legs in a couple days and then you run into practically everyone you know. (Yes, I have done that.)

Then I thought about the word comfortable and the following situations came to mind.

• When you are in a relationship and you stop wearing make-up 24 hours a day, let your hair down and are comfortable in the sweat pants instead of the jeans and heels.
• You have no problem eating a good meal and enjoying dessert instead of having a salad and water all the time.

On Monday, I realized I had not done anything yet to get uncomfortable. I had been praying for God to make me uncomfortable but it wasn't time. I would pick up my pen to write but it just wasn't right.

Then I realized that I had spent the last few months becoming comfortable. God delivered me some big blessings last year through Doctors, family and stepping out in faith. I was able to start getting back on my feet again but I also became comfortable... too comfortable. I wasn't spending as much quality time with God as I used to.

So, I tried to think about what I could do to get uncomfortable. Not just a little uncomfortable but all around uncomfortable in my life. I just could not come up with anything. Then this past Sunday at church I ran into the son of my mother's best friend. I talked to him and his wife and gave them my number to pass along to his mom. I know you are asking how is that uncomfortable. My answer, the unknown... will she call? It has been over 23 years since I have seen or talked to her.

Next, I decided that I was going to take off these last 20 pounds and start exercising. Exercising...hmmm, that word and I don't get along. Yep, it is going to be uncomfortable. There, I thought I have found my uncomfortable. Wrong!!

These things were uncomfortable but it wasn't really uncomfortable.

I decided on Tuesday to reach out to a group of ladies in my Bible study group and offer them a challenge to get uncomfortable. To really be intentional about spending time in God's word each day. Not just a few minutes reading and then out the door. I mean really being intentional. We are intentional about eating, dressing and watching television for hours on end. Why not get intentional about spending time with God and really digging deep into His word. These ladies blessed my socks off with their responses.

Then, the really uncomfortable hit a few hours later on Tuesday night when we had no choice but to ask one of our children to leave home. One of the hardest things to do as a parent is to tell one of your children to leave your home. I leaned on God and good friends as we went through the last few days. It was the hardest thing to do. We as parents love our children and want the best for them but sometimes you have to draw a line of what is acceptable and what is not. We have to lean on God and trust that He knows what is best. In the good times and the bad times. Sometimes God has a plan and has to move pieces of the puzzle to make it all fit. 

So, I am back to the drawing board, a lot stronger and ready to get back on my journey that I started over a year ago. A journey to get back on my feet and allow God to take the wheel and lead me. I am ready for the Uncomfortable and  I am Ready To Fly.


Ready To Fly by FFH
http://youtu.be/AUdy3Y4K4Ko 

INTENTIONAL

As the New Year begins, instead of coming up with New Year's Resolutions...that I always break... I picked one word. A word that I will focus on all year.

The word is INTENTIONAL.

I started to write about this very word in the middle of July last year. I procrastinated, got busy and never finished it. At every turn no matter what I was doing the word INTENTIONAL kept popping up. So when a sweet lady in my Bible study group suggested picking a word for the New Year instead of a resolution I started trying to figure out my word. Then they shared a collage of "My One Words"  and INTENTIONAL was big and bold.

That was it! INTENTIONAL my word for the year. So I went and pulled my blog notebook out and found the post I was going to write.

Intentional... Have you ever thought about this word? Up until today I really had not.

Intentional means on purpose, deliberate. Hmmmm.... I am intentional......wait......am I?

What are some ways we are intentional in our lives?

We are intentional about putting food in our bodies to nourish or satisfy a craving.

We are intentional about taking a shower so that we are clean.

We are intentional about getting rest so we can focus and function.

We are intentional in the way we treat people.

We are intentional about going to school, studying or for some people skipping class. (Yes, I did that a few times.)

We are intentional about going to the Doctor if we don't feel well...well, some of us are.

Are we intentional about the time we spend with God? With our family? With our friends? Or has what I call "stuff" (cell phones, computers, T.V., over booked schedules and busyness) gotten in the way?

I know I need to become more intentional daily in God's word, my prayers and in my words and actions. How about you? Are you living intentionally or are you just living?

Fourth of July

This year the fourth was different for me. I did not dread the day or wish it would go away. I didn't worry about the "what ifs". This year marks 23 years since my mom died on July 4th...and it was the first fourth of July since her death that I really enjoyed myself and was relaxed.

I did look at the clock at 11:30am, 11:35am and every five minutes until noon. During that time a white butterfly flew past and then a beautiful orange and black butterfly landed on our citrus tree.

The girls asked me if I wanted to go and put flowers on the grave and I told them no. Since her death I have only visited the grave a few times and it brings back the memories of her funeral. I choose to remember all the good times each day and know she is in Heaven. I don't need to visit the grave to remember her or know she is in Heaven.

"but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:31

I love you Mom and miss you so much!!

Just as with Jesus... I know that He has risen and is with me each day. I thank God that this year has been a year of letting go and letting God. 

This year for the fourth of July the girls and I blew up, (thanks to the air compressor), two pools for the backyard. We called our backyard the Collins Resort. We had a kiddie pool, for my granddaughter, an adult pool, a swing set with a slide and free access to bathrooms, free parking (for my granddaughters motorcycle and her princess car) food, drinks and AC.

We spent the day enjoying the sun and not having to worry about beach traffic.

In years past we have always watched the fireworks in Port Orange but this year we went to Ormond...the city where I grew up. We picked up my husband at work and arrived at the Casements early. We walked around and listened to the live band as my granddaughter danced around.

It has been many years since I was in Ormond for the fourth. It brought back alot of memories. Memories of parking at church with my parents and walking down to the library to watch the fireworks. My mom's expressions when the "weeping willow" type of firework would go off.  Years of traveling the Granada bridge on my way to high school or down the Granada approach to the beach. Driving past the Casements to try and beat traffic. All the memories of my childhood and teenage years rushed through my brain like ocean waves crashing on the beach.

I realized that I did not want to go to Ormond in the past to watch fireworks because I had never dealt with my past and emotions that I had kept burried. It was too painful but I am thankful that this year I have been given the grace and mercy of a loving God daily and learning to deal and move past those issues.

I did struggle with dizziness, nausea and the loud ringing in my ears. As the night went on it got a little bit harder to deal with as the music got louder, the crowd got bigger and the breeze stopped blowing. I was determined not to give up and when the fireworks started I closed my eyes and prayed for God to give me His strength to make it through and put all my trust in Him. He hasn't failed me and as always showed up right on time.

I sat and enjoyed the fireworks..... and even enjoyed it more.... watching my granddaughter lay in her mothers arms and look up at the sky and the beautiful colors. Watching my husband play around with the daughter that will be graduating in a few short months. Life is so precious!

Thank you God for always being there. Thank you for the continued grace and mercy you give me.  

A Busy Month

June was a busy month. So busy in fact that I neglected my quiet time each morning. I did not neglect to pray through the day but neglected the sit still and be quiet part of my day.

Some of the things that kept me busy was my granddaughters second birthday. We went to the zoo and boy was it hot and humid but so much fun.

I was in bed with the flu for several days and I am still trying to fight it off.


Went to a golf clinic and learned how to use irons. Then my grandfather came to the course and helped me learn chip shots.

During the month I have written blogs but have not taken the time to type them and post them. I have neglected online studies and overall have just been tired from constantly being on the go and being sick. I have enjoyed being on the go and thank God daily for being able to go and do. I am relying on His strength to get me through each day and the wisdom to learn how to deal with the physical and emotional tiredness that comes with each outing. 

I'm Trading

"I'm trading my sorrows,
I'm trading my shame,
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness,
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord
Yes Lord
Yes Lord
 Yes Yes Lord!"
by: Darrell Evans

As I walked out of my fourth Cardiologist appointment in a week I was emotional. My husband did not come back in the room with me to hear the results so as I repeated them to him on the way to the car I broke down and cried.

I wasn't crying because I received horrible news or that the sky was falling. I was crying because the tests were over and it was a big relief. I was crying and needed his support and help to understand some things that I was told. I was crying because I had become too silent in complaining when I didn't feel good. I was crying because there will be more tests in the near future.

I don't know about you but when a Doctor comes in to talk with me sometimes I hear what he is saying and understand but fear takes over and I mentally shut down. Then the bargaining starts...if I do this will it help, if I do that will it help?

Once we got home I needed to do something to release my emotions. My husband loves to play golf so I asked him if he wanted to go play. I knew he couldn't say no to me on that one....

We went and had lunch at the course and then shot some golf balls. I had some clubs that my grandmother had given me years ago so I broke them out. What a great way to release emotions on such a little object...a golf ball. It was fun and he made me laugh.

The next day I went back to the Dentist for some work. I reached out for prayer for both days and off to my appointment I went. I took my Kindle, phone and headphones with me.

When I got back to the room I was comfortable and relaxed. I put the headphones on and started listening to a book by Micca Campbell called and Untroubled Heart. (An excellent book!) She started working on my teeth and then a few minutes into my book for reasons I don't know... it stopped playing. I didn't want to stop the work in my mouth because the sooner she was done the sooner I could leave.

Have you ever tried to take headphones out of a Kindle and put them into an iPhone with out looking? Well I did and started playing my Chris Tomlin music only to hear her say I love his music. (Oops, the headphones did not go into the iPhone.) As I tried to fumble, again without looking, to put the headphones in she told me it was okay I could leave the music on.

The next thing that happened took me by surprise and I KNOW it was ALLLLLLL GOD!

She started singing the song while working on my teeth. Yes, that is correct, singing...not just some song playing on the radio but a Christian song that means alot to me and speaks volumes to me. Her voice was comforting and right on key. A Dentist office? Singing? Christian music? God you are AMAZING!

This song is the song I spoke about in my first blog post, (click the blue link to read my first blog post  http://standingstandingonhispromises.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-love-you-love-god.html ).

The song, How Great Is Our God by Chris Tomlin, is a song that I get lost in when I worship Him.

If I ever doubted there was a God I was soooo wrong! All this is not a coincidence it was God! He is so GREAT! I so don't deserve the grace and love that God is showing me. I have sinned and fallen way short. I am not perfect and not consistent but one thing I surely know is that I love God with all my heart and He sure loves me.

I wish it hadn't taken me over 25 years to come back to a loving and forgiving God.

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
My God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
And my place of safety." Psalm 18:2

Dentist OH MY! - Part 1

How do you trust God when you have never trusted anyone? How do you put your faith in something not seen when things seen have failed you?

Let me tell you how I did it! AND it WORKED!!

This week started out good and has since turned crazy and without God I would have been heavily medicated at this point. Wait, wait, wait...that's not true either. Me? Heavily medicated? I don't do medications so I would not have been medicated I just would have been a complete nervous wreck.


It started Tuesday with the word DENTIST. To some that word means nothing BUT to me it is one of the scarriest words in the English language.

I made this appointment a month ago and knew it was coming up but tried not to think about it. I couldn't sleep Monday night and prayed for God to take away my anxious feelings. When I finally fell asleep I slept good... until I woke up by the grumbling of my stomach. Maybe it was a case of nerves or the fruit smoothies I am drinking but oh my goodness how could I face the day when I couldn't leave the bathroom. You would have thought I had been given a prep for surgery or something. (Sorry, I know T.M.I.)

I wanted to reach out and ask for prayer but fear over came me and the thoughts of what people would think of me stomped on that thought. I could not think of a verse or a song to sing. My mind was consumed with this appointment. This was a new Dentist and... ugh... I just can't put into words what I was feeling. I realized when I asked God to help that the reason I was afraid of asking for prayer is because old smut face doesn't want us to reach out. He wants us to stay in bondage to our fears.

So I put my fingers to work and started texting that I needed prayer. I only reached out to one person because I still felt a little vulnerable and silly for asking for prayer to go to the Dentist.

My daughter drove me to the Dentist office and on the way all I could say to myself was something along the lines of God please help me, please give me peace. I don't know how to trust you and I don't trust you please help me trust you.

As soon as I walked in my Dentist office it was so quiet peaceful and an overall relaxing. Relaxing? A Dentist office? You got to be kidding me! Where is the sound of drilling and the buuuuzzzzzzing of dental instruments and saliva suctioning machines.

When I sat down I looked for the magazines, something to keep me busy, and there sat the Holy Bible. Ahhhh, God you are here with me. Thank you for guiding me to this Dentist. Thank you for the peace I am feeling. I still don't trust you completely but I am trying.

As I looked around the office not one tabloid magazine was found. Only history, golf and childrens magazines and the Holy Bible.

Once I was called back and talked to my new Dentist I realized the reason for my calmness. My Dentist was a Christian and relied on God. YAY!!!!

Before my appointment was over I was told of work that needed to be done but in order to do that I would need to talk to my Cardiologist first. ......S C R E E C H...... everything came to a STOP.

Wait, what? Another car ride, vibrations, busy visual environment, Doctors....I know I am asking God for trust and to learn how to trust but OH MY!

You see I have a leaky valve in my heart...nothing major but something that is supposed to be monitored and welllllll....I haven't had it monitored for two years.

When I contacted my cardiologist Wednesday morning he wanted to see me then. Ugh! TODAY?  Here we go again, I put my fingers to work again and asked for prayer. My appointment was scheduled and I had a little over an hour to get ready and his office was 30 miles away. Riding in a car with dizziness and a stomach that has been upset for three days, a headache and being physically and mentally exhausted....not in my strength was I going to be able to do this. My prayer warrior, my brother Trey, wrote me this when I said that I was emotionally and physically tired today..."Perfect - that way you know it's God. It will not have been done in your own strength."

I got down on my knees and prayed and talked to God, just as if I was talking to someone in the same room with me. I really didn't know what to say and according to my husband I am always politically correct in things I say. So I let down my guard, after all God knows the true me, and said something like this:

God , help me please. I am tired, I don't feel good.

I am trying. I need you 

I know I need to get this done. Please help me.

 Give me peace and YOUR strength.



 .

My husband drove me to the Cardiologist office. Since I had last visited him he had moved his office to a new location and of course we took the interstate because it would be faster but ... the ride was different. I was calm, real calm, no PTSD kicking in, no anxiety, hardly any dizziness, very light to no ringing in my ears, no stomach ache and all I kept saying was Thank You God, in YOUR strength not mine.

When we arrived I became a little worried. OH MY! For me anything over one story throws my dizziness into a tailspin and also means I might need to ride an elevator. I am claustophobic and seen people get stuck in elevators before and it worries me. Maybe, just maybe his office is on the first floor.

Yeppers, you guessed it his office was not on the first floor or even the second floor so I needed to ride the elevator....My first thought was are you kidding me? My husband pointed to the stairs because he knows I don't do elevators and always take the stairs in any building but this time I said God help me. I looked at my husband and said nope taking the elevator. I wish I could have caught his expression it was priceless. I RODE THE ELEVATOR!

All this time I still continued to thank God. I felt normal like my old self...I so did not want the feeling to end.

My cardiologist came in and lectured me on not being there for two years and ordered an EKG to be done now. OH MY!

Then he ordered a series of tests and blood work for the next three days. OH MY! Are you kidding me? All because I went to the Dentist? Okay, I get it payback for not coming in every six months for my routine tests.

God I don't understand but I am trying to trust you. You know better than me you have already gone before and paved the way. I am trying to trust you.

All this time I hardly had any dizziness, no anxiety, no PTSD flare up, little to no ringing in my ears. There is only one explanation and that is God! I live with PTSD, dizziness, ringing in my ears and today I felt normal, peaceful.

Once we got home I didn't want the feeling to end so I suggested to my daughter that she take me to the produce stand while hubby laid down for a nap. Got in the car and we started down the road and it was making me sick. The visual environment was too stimulating, it was hot, my ears were ringing loud and I couldn't understand. All through the produce stand and the ride home I was sick. The difference? I was trying to do it in my own strength and not asking God for help. All my symptoms were back and I was in tears.

My friends, God is real...soooo real. I have experienced His grace, mercy and strength. He showed up right when I needed Him to show up today and when I truly trusted and relied on Him....HE was there! He doesn't promise that I will be healed but that I will be made new in Him. Thank you God for a wonderful day and I quote my brother again in what he told me at the start of today when I asked for prayer...which turned out to be sooooo true!

..."Perfect - that way you know it's God.

 It will not have been done in your own strength."

How can I pray for you today? Leave me a comment below.

Giant Steps Forward and Back

Mother's Day weekend was a wonderful weekend for me on many levels. I enjoyed having my husband off from work all weekend, enjoyed a nice evening with family and had a great Mother's Day with all my girls and hubby.

On Saturday, we went to my grandparents and enjoyed a few hours with them, my Aunt and my cousins. I experienced some dizziness but I was able to manage it. I prayed for God to give me strength and the ability to persevere.

On Sunday, I enjoyed a wonderful breakfast made by my husband as we watched In Touch with Dr. Charles Stanley on television. I prayed again for God to give me strength for the day and the ability to persevere. I rode with my husband for an hour as we did an errand and by the time we got home I ran straight for the bathroom and got sick. I prayed again for strength and was determined not to let this get the best of me. We had plans to go out to dinner and I did not want to disappoint my husband or the girls even though I felt horrible.

We did end up going out to dinner on Mother's Day and my grandparents joined us. The restaurant wasn't busy when we got there and we enjoyed a nice dinner. After dinner and conversation I started not feeling well, it was warm, the ringing in my ears and dizziness was getting worse. As we started walking towards the front of the building doors to leave the sudden confusion was upon me. The visual stimulation from the crowded and noisy restaurant became so overwhelming that as I was walking to the car you would have thought I was drunk. Being pulled to one side because of my dizziness it was all I could do to concentrate on walking to the car.

As everyone stopped to say their goodbyes I was making my way to the car hoping it would be able to hold me up. Something I do when we are out and I am not feeling well is rely on the strength of the car to hold me up....you would think it was KITT from the T.V. show Knight Rider with David Hasselhoff.

I never verbalized what I was going through...I mean seriously how do you verbalize what you are feeling when the other person has never experienced it.... but my husband and daughters knew I wasn't feeling well. When my husband got to the car he asked if I felt good enough to go to the store. I really didn't but I was not going to give up and feel defeated. I was not going to go home and cry because I couldn't make it so I instead of saying no I said yes. On the way to the store I prayed again, yeppers you guessed it,  for strength and the ability to persevere.

Once we arrived at the store there was only a couple of customers inside. We ended up spending a couple of hours in  the store and it was hard. The fluorescent lights and all the stuff on the walls is what made it hard. There were a couple of times where I felt like I was going to fall down because the dizziness got to be too much and the ringing in my ears, oh my, but I persevered.

When we got home I went in my bedroom and cried and thanked God for giving me the strength, His strength, to make it out two days in a row. I was so thankful and happy to have had such a wonderful weekend. Even through all the struggles I DID IT with alot of help from God.

I was looking forward to the week ahead. My husband was back on day shift, my daughter was starting a new job and I was going to be watching my granddaughter. I tried to sleep Sunday night but just couldn't. A part of me, just like a child on Christmas Eve, didn't want to sleep. I didn't want the accomplishments of the weekend to fade away. I wasn't able to sleep Sunday even though I felt completely drained and exhausted. I spent the rest of the week tyring to fight the drained feeling. I think I have it beat and I am looking forward to the weekend.

With the giant steps forward this weekend I also suffered some set backs emotionally, mentally and physically but I am not giving up. No one told me this was going to be easy.

 My confidence through all of this was at an all time high and I truly believe ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD!

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philipians 4:13

A Mere Kernel

I had a feeling come over me similar to the feeling as I began this journey. A feeling of peace but this time I also experienced faith and complete trust in some situations. What a wonderful feeling to have burdens lifted and to feel the weight on my shoulders lighter.

I can't explain the feeling but without warning things I have worried about suddenly did not consume me or bother me. I had prayed about them and given them to God and this time I was determined not to take them back. This was another huge step.

I had trust issues and trusted no one. This is why I had a hard time having faith in God. To have faith you have to trust. In Matthew 17:20 it talks about having faith as a mustard seed, or a mere kernel as The Message version reads.

"Because you're not yet taking God seriously," said Jesus.

 "The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you would tell this mountain, 'Move!' and it would move.

There is nothing you wouldn't be able to tackle."



Again, and I will probably repeat myself a thousand times through this blog, I am Standing on His Promises to see me through my journey!

Reflections of Mom - Day 22

Yesterday was a rough day emotionally and physically. It was also another great step forward. Hubby and I had an afternoon appointment and picked up lunch afterwards at one of my favorite places and went and sat by the river to eat. Nothing like good skinny fries, greasy hamburger and an orange freeze! I will pay the price I know for the orange freeze in a couple of days and be in bed crying for the migraine and being so stupid as to drink one. BUT ohhhh it has been over 12 years since I had an orange freeze and what's a little headache, right? (I'll let you know in a couple of days.)



I struggled with some dizzy spells in the car and since we both left our phones at home, something we NEVER do, I was left with having to stare out the window or close my eyes if the visual stimulation was too much instead of playing a game on my phone. The problem with closing my eyes is that my other senses become highly alert and makes the dizzy spells worse. The natural vibration of a car, no matter how slight the vibration, sets my sense of movement in motion and confuses me as to why I am sitting still if there is movement. The sound of the air condition blowing with the ringing of my ears makes me want to scream. So sometimes it is easier to focus on a street sign and try blocking out the fast moving objects we pass than to close my eyes. Closing my eyes sometimes produces more dizziness and throws off my sense of balance even if I am just sitting.

I just want to be "normal" and "not broken" and drive a car again. Go to places I enjoy and do the things that I enjoy without the ever present ringing in my ears, dizzy spells or confusion. I have come to realize that in our broken places God uses the brokeness to draw us closer to Him. I have been constantly trying to press forward and not face the fact that I will never be my normal again and that has been my problem for too many years. Constantly pressing forward and not truly dealing with anything.

Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:18-19



I also spoke with my dad yesterday and had a heart felt and emotional talk about the post that I was going to post today. Learning from him the reasons for a conversation that he had with my brother and I after mom's death. It was not easy to hear but easy to understand his reasons why.

Here I go.....

In the many reflections of my mom and digging deep into my fears I have come to realize the reasons for my fear of death. It is not death itself but the reality that my family would not have their wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, sister or granddaughter anymore.

If Heaven is how so many people describe it as gold lined streets and no more suffering , pain or sadness then why would I ever fear death? If such a beautiful place exists what on earth is there to fear? (In the Bible Revelation chapter 21 talks of the gold lined streets.)

The answer that I keep coming back to is the people I would leave behind. The husband that would have to cook, clean, iron, take care of kids and do laundry. The daughters that would no longer be able to ask how to do something or ask me to make cookies or cakes. The brother that would no longer be able to call and check on his older sister and keep her in check. The dad that would not have his daughter. The grandparents that would not be able to stop by and visit. The aunts, uncles and cousins. The ability to say I love you's and feeling the warmth of a loving hug. All things that I miss about my mother.

I still remember the day not long after my mom's funeral when I went by my parents home and saw my dad sitting in our family room crying because he was missing my mom. That was hard to see my dad crying..you see, I never saw my dad cry until my mom's funeral. He was a Daytona Beach Police Officer and he never cried. He was tough and somebody I knew better than to cross or disobey. I wish I could say I never disobeyed my father the cop..... but I did. To this day I have a permanent bruise on my chest from the police officer poke when I got in trouble. AND only now as a parent of two adult daughters and a teenager can I say I DESERVED IT! Thank you dad for being you and I LOVE YOU!

Anyways, at that time I made the decision that I had to be strong no matter what (closing of one door). I remember offering to fix dinner, at the time I thought I knew how to cook, but dad declined and offered instead to go out to eat.  Smart guy! I mean after all I was 19 and thought I knew it all! What 19 year old doesn't? Boy did I have alot to learn.

At dinner that night, (Quincy's..I still remember the day as if it was today hot yeast rolls with butter~YUMMY!), dad told my brother and I that we were all going to be okay and that from that day forward we were not going to say things like "mom would have wanted you to do this" or "you know mom would be disappointed" happy or sad. We knew what mom expected and we didn't need to constantly say it. He told me that I had a family and I needed to tend to my family and he and my brother would be fine. We all needed to go on with our lives. I needed my mom though...I had only been married a year, had a daughter, needed direction, needed help, how do I potty train, how do I make my favorite meals and desserts, how does married life work, how do I not pick up the phone to call daily.....all that kept going through my head was we all needed to go on with our lives. (closing of another door)

That night forever changed me. A part of me shut down that day.... closed those doors..... burried it deep and threw away the key. No more calling several times a day to check on everyone or talk about our days like I used to do with my mom. No more going by the house every few days to check on my little brother and my dad. It all ended that day.

I became very selfish and thought only about me and my family. My life froze at that time and from that point on I just did what I had to do to survive never thinking about the future or what ifs. Just did what made me happy and tried to figure life out on my own. Over the years I tried drinking and experimenting with drugs to forget about the pain I felt of missing my mom but nothing ever took the pain away it would always return along with regret of knowing better.

For most people after graduation from high school it is a time of life experiences and preparing for the future but for me I was starting my life of being paralyzed by fear and selfishness and trying to find happiness.

Click the below link to listen to the song I Am New by Jason Gray.

I Am New by Jason Gray

Now I won't deny

The worst you could say about me

But I'm not defined

By mistakes that I've made

Because God says of me

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

Who I thought I was

And who I thought I had to be

I had to give them both up

Cause neither were willing

to ever believe

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

Too long I have lived

In the shadows of shame

Believing that there

was no way I could change

But the one who is making everything new

Doesn't see me the way that I do

He doesn't see me the way that I do

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

I am not who I was I am being remade

I am new

Dead to the old man, I'm coming alive

I am new

Forgiven beloved

Hidden in Christ

Made in the image of the Giver of Life

Righteous and holy

Reborn and remade

Accepted and worthy

this is our new name

This is who we are now.....

Not Giving Up - Day 21

I want to start by saying that today I wanted to give up doing my journey. This is and has become harder than I realized it was going to be. This is my real raw life, raw emotions, raw truth, raw physical issues and pain that has been locked away for too many years. Going back and opening doors that I locked away decades ago is not easy. In fact it down right stinks!

I reached out to a prayer warrior and asked for prayer because I wanted to give up. I was reminded that I was on a healing journey. It made me stop and think. If I physically get hurt, such as a cut, at first it hurts but then over time it heals and eventually the pain goes away. This journey is going to be no different...at first this is going to hurt but in time the pain will go away.

A timely blog post that I read tonight was from Stephanie Clayton. The below paragraph is just a small portion of her powerful blog today. If you want to read her full blog post go to stephanieclayton.org.

                                  Why must I go back?

Have you ever heard someone say, “You can’t move on to the future until you have

effectively dealt with your past”? I have, and I believe it is true. We don’t go back to

the past so that we can re-drag ourselves through suffering. We go back because it

helps us understand why we are the way we are. And when we understand these things,

we can effectively address our self-destructive behaviors, and move towards change.

So my blog followers, follow along as tomorrow I get back on track and refuse to give up and move forward on this healing journey of mine.

"I will rise on eagles wings
no more sorrow, no more pain"
I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

Mom - Wings Like Eagles Day 17-18

"but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31 NIV

While I have been nursing my back the last couple of days I have been thinking alot about my mom. She went to be with the Lord in Heaven on July 4th, 1989 a few minutes before noon. I say a few minutes before noon because that morning she was taken from the house I grew up in to the hospital and the nurse told us that before the noon hour she would be in Heaven and she was right.

The above verse was her favorite and I have always pictured her getting her freedom from this world on Independence Day. Soaring on wings like ealges as she went to Heaven. The below is a picture of hers that hung in our living room growing up.

                      Not sure who the artist is of this painting.



I have often wondered how she maintained a strength so strong as she fought her cancer battle for a little over six months. My mom was a woman that I thought was Superwoman with a capital "S". Always going, always so strong, always caring, always knew the right things to say at the right times and never met a stranger. Her arms were so big that she could take care of my dad, my brother and me and still have time for church and extended family. She was the strongest christian woman I have ever known.

I always came back to this verse..."..those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength..".."..they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint". As I spent time with her during those last few months of her life I was always amazed at her strength and faith in God.

I was 19 at the time and I am not sure if I was naive and thought she was going to get better, didn't know the whole truth or really didn't understand. What I do know is that as I watched her suffer everyday she never lost her faith. I never said the things I needed to say to her or asked the questions that I needed to ask BUT I did tell her daily several times that I loved her.

As she laid on her bed in her bedroom I would put my daughter, her granddaughter, on the bed...no matter how sick she was she wanted "grannie's girl" to sit on the bed to crawl and sit with her. To play with her little blocks.  "...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength..".

As I continue on my journey I am going to cling to this verse.

My mom now has more granddaughters and a great-granddaughter and would spoil them to no end I am sure!

I miss you Mom!!

"I'll breathe my life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of my strength."
My Beloved by Kari Jobe

"I'm F.I.N.E." Days 12-16

I am "fine" is all I keep saying. When in reality Renee Swope's words best say how I am really feeling.

Frazzled Irritated Neurotic and Exhausted

"Sometimes I think we tell people we're fine even when we're not, because we want to be. Or we

hope by saying we are fine, eventually we will be.

Other times we act like we're fine because others expect us to be. Then there are days when hormones trump all good manners and anyone within ten feet knows we are not FINE. We say we're fine but what we really mean is we are F.razzled, I.rritated, N.eurotic, and E.xhausted!" by Renee Swope

I knew this journey of mine was not going to be easy but I did not realize how hard this journey was really going to be both mentally and physically. From digging deep into things I have kept hidden and kept to myself to facing the truth about my health issues. The last few days have been total blah!

The ringing in my ears is at an all time high the last few days and has brought me to tears more times than I care to count. Lifting my 27 pound granddaughter last night,  I know is a no no since I am not supposed to lift anything more than 15 pounds the rest of my life, now has me nursing an already bad back with shooting pain. This added to everyday life and sisterly fighting has me feeling "F.I.N.E.".

I am going to try to choose to be Standing on His Promises. How do you handle your "F.I.N.E." days?

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 NIV