This year the fourth was different for me. I did not dread the day or wish it would go away. I didn't worry about the "what ifs". This year marks 23 years since my mom died on July 4th...and it was the first fourth of July since her death that I really enjoyed myself and was relaxed.
I did look at the clock at 11:30am, 11:35am and every five minutes until noon. During that time a white butterfly flew past and then a beautiful orange and black butterfly landed on our citrus tree.
The girls asked me if I wanted to go and put flowers on the grave and I told them no. Since her death I have only visited the grave a few times and it brings back the memories of her funeral. I choose to remember all the good times each day and know she is in Heaven. I don't need to visit the grave to remember her or know she is in Heaven.
"but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31
I love you Mom and miss you so much!!
Just as with Jesus... I know that He has risen and is with me each day. I thank God that this year has been a year of letting go and letting God.
This year for the fourth of July the girls and I blew up, (thanks to the air compressor), two pools for the backyard. We called our backyard the Collins Resort. We had a kiddie pool, for my granddaughter, an adult pool, a swing set with a slide and free access to bathrooms, free parking (for my granddaughters motorcycle and her princess car) food, drinks and AC.
We spent the day enjoying the sun and not having to worry about beach traffic.
In years past we have always watched the fireworks in Port Orange but this year we went to Ormond...the city where I grew up. We picked up my husband at work and arrived at the Casements early. We walked around and listened to the live band as my granddaughter danced around.
It has been many years since I was in Ormond for the fourth. It brought back alot of memories. Memories of parking at church with my parents and walking down to the library to watch the fireworks. My mom's expressions when the "weeping willow" type of firework would go off. Years of traveling the Granada bridge on my way to high school or down the Granada approach to the beach. Driving past the Casements to try and beat traffic. All the memories of my childhood and teenage years rushed through my brain like ocean waves crashing on the beach.
I realized that I did not want to go to Ormond in the past to watch fireworks because I had never dealt with my past and emotions that I had kept burried. It was too painful but I am thankful that this year I have been given the grace and mercy of a loving God daily and learning to deal and move past those issues.
I did struggle with dizziness, nausea and the loud ringing in my ears. As the night went on it got a little bit harder to deal with as the music got louder, the crowd got bigger and the breeze stopped blowing. I was determined not to give up and when the fireworks started I closed my eyes and prayed for God to give me His strength to make it through and put all my trust in Him. He hasn't failed me and as always showed up right on time.
I sat and enjoyed the fireworks..... and even enjoyed it more.... watching my granddaughter lay in her mothers arms and look up at the sky and the beautiful colors. Watching my husband play around with the daughter that will be graduating in a few short months. Life is so precious!
Thank you God for always being there. Thank you for the continued grace and mercy you give me.
:)
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