Reflections of Mom - Day 22

Yesterday was a rough day emotionally and physically. It was also another great step forward. Hubby and I had an afternoon appointment and picked up lunch afterwards at one of my favorite places and went and sat by the river to eat. Nothing like good skinny fries, greasy hamburger and an orange freeze! I will pay the price I know for the orange freeze in a couple of days and be in bed crying for the migraine and being so stupid as to drink one. BUT ohhhh it has been over 12 years since I had an orange freeze and what's a little headache, right? (I'll let you know in a couple of days.)



I struggled with some dizzy spells in the car and since we both left our phones at home, something we NEVER do, I was left with having to stare out the window or close my eyes if the visual stimulation was too much instead of playing a game on my phone. The problem with closing my eyes is that my other senses become highly alert and makes the dizzy spells worse. The natural vibration of a car, no matter how slight the vibration, sets my sense of movement in motion and confuses me as to why I am sitting still if there is movement. The sound of the air condition blowing with the ringing of my ears makes me want to scream. So sometimes it is easier to focus on a street sign and try blocking out the fast moving objects we pass than to close my eyes. Closing my eyes sometimes produces more dizziness and throws off my sense of balance even if I am just sitting.

I just want to be "normal" and "not broken" and drive a car again. Go to places I enjoy and do the things that I enjoy without the ever present ringing in my ears, dizzy spells or confusion. I have come to realize that in our broken places God uses the brokeness to draw us closer to Him. I have been constantly trying to press forward and not face the fact that I will never be my normal again and that has been my problem for too many years. Constantly pressing forward and not truly dealing with anything.

Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:18-19



I also spoke with my dad yesterday and had a heart felt and emotional talk about the post that I was going to post today. Learning from him the reasons for a conversation that he had with my brother and I after mom's death. It was not easy to hear but easy to understand his reasons why.

Here I go.....

In the many reflections of my mom and digging deep into my fears I have come to realize the reasons for my fear of death. It is not death itself but the reality that my family would not have their wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, sister or granddaughter anymore.

If Heaven is how so many people describe it as gold lined streets and no more suffering , pain or sadness then why would I ever fear death? If such a beautiful place exists what on earth is there to fear? (In the Bible Revelation chapter 21 talks of the gold lined streets.)

The answer that I keep coming back to is the people I would leave behind. The husband that would have to cook, clean, iron, take care of kids and do laundry. The daughters that would no longer be able to ask how to do something or ask me to make cookies or cakes. The brother that would no longer be able to call and check on his older sister and keep her in check. The dad that would not have his daughter. The grandparents that would not be able to stop by and visit. The aunts, uncles and cousins. The ability to say I love you's and feeling the warmth of a loving hug. All things that I miss about my mother.

I still remember the day not long after my mom's funeral when I went by my parents home and saw my dad sitting in our family room crying because he was missing my mom. That was hard to see my dad crying..you see, I never saw my dad cry until my mom's funeral. He was a Daytona Beach Police Officer and he never cried. He was tough and somebody I knew better than to cross or disobey. I wish I could say I never disobeyed my father the cop..... but I did. To this day I have a permanent bruise on my chest from the police officer poke when I got in trouble. AND only now as a parent of two adult daughters and a teenager can I say I DESERVED IT! Thank you dad for being you and I LOVE YOU!

Anyways, at that time I made the decision that I had to be strong no matter what (closing of one door). I remember offering to fix dinner, at the time I thought I knew how to cook, but dad declined and offered instead to go out to eat.  Smart guy! I mean after all I was 19 and thought I knew it all! What 19 year old doesn't? Boy did I have alot to learn.

At dinner that night, (Quincy's..I still remember the day as if it was today hot yeast rolls with butter~YUMMY!), dad told my brother and I that we were all going to be okay and that from that day forward we were not going to say things like "mom would have wanted you to do this" or "you know mom would be disappointed" happy or sad. We knew what mom expected and we didn't need to constantly say it. He told me that I had a family and I needed to tend to my family and he and my brother would be fine. We all needed to go on with our lives. I needed my mom though...I had only been married a year, had a daughter, needed direction, needed help, how do I potty train, how do I make my favorite meals and desserts, how does married life work, how do I not pick up the phone to call daily.....all that kept going through my head was we all needed to go on with our lives. (closing of another door)

That night forever changed me. A part of me shut down that day.... closed those doors..... burried it deep and threw away the key. No more calling several times a day to check on everyone or talk about our days like I used to do with my mom. No more going by the house every few days to check on my little brother and my dad. It all ended that day.

I became very selfish and thought only about me and my family. My life froze at that time and from that point on I just did what I had to do to survive never thinking about the future or what ifs. Just did what made me happy and tried to figure life out on my own. Over the years I tried drinking and experimenting with drugs to forget about the pain I felt of missing my mom but nothing ever took the pain away it would always return along with regret of knowing better.

For most people after graduation from high school it is a time of life experiences and preparing for the future but for me I was starting my life of being paralyzed by fear and selfishness and trying to find happiness.

Click the below link to listen to the song I Am New by Jason Gray.

I Am New by Jason Gray

Now I won't deny

The worst you could say about me

But I'm not defined

By mistakes that I've made

Because God says of me

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

Who I thought I was

And who I thought I had to be

I had to give them both up

Cause neither were willing

to ever believe

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

Too long I have lived

In the shadows of shame

Believing that there

was no way I could change

But the one who is making everything new

Doesn't see me the way that I do

He doesn't see me the way that I do

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

I am not who I was I am being remade

I am new

Dead to the old man, I'm coming alive

I am new

Forgiven beloved

Hidden in Christ

Made in the image of the Giver of Life

Righteous and holy

Reborn and remade

Accepted and worthy

this is our new name

This is who we are now.....