Have you ever been really afraid of something? Your heart starts pounding, your mind starts racing and you are suddenly paralyzed with fear. Maybe you have watched a suspense film, heard a noise in the middle of the night or had the phone ring at 2:00 am that gets your blood racing through your veins with fear of the unknown and "what ifs". I have experienced this way too many times to remember and have allowed it to consume my life along with my health issues.
For me the fear and worry started at a very early age. As a toddler I learned to roller skate at my family's business and at 18 months old competed in front of large crowds until I was around 13. I would forget my routine and have to search the crowd for my mom to dance on the sidelines to get me moving and out of the paralyzed fear induced frozen state I was in. This is something I can still experience just writing about it.
Throughout life I have had a series of scary and traumatic events that have formed who I am today and the reason for this journey back. Here are a few of those events...losing my Aunt and Uncle at a young age from a trucking accident, working as teller at a bank and being robbed, abused as a child from a family member, adultery in my marriage and an ex-husband who borrowed a gun and planned to kill me, our daughters and himself. I am thankful to this day for my dad and his police skills for recognizing the situation and getting us out. Losing my mother to cancer when I was 19 and having a daughter that was 10 months old and not sure my self how to be a mother. Six months after my mom died my dad, while working undercover at the Daytona 500, suffered a major heart attack and died on the ER table. He was brought back to life but it left me fearful of death and realizing that one day I would be without any parents. My brother serving overseas in the Navy and hearing of suicide bombers at markets and wondering and worrying if he would come back home. Wondering if that could happen here in my grocery store or my mall. A rape, a car broken into, and my car accident almost 12 years ago that left me with health issues that I have had to learn how to overcome and adapt and just plain deal with.
All these situations are not something for me to be ashamed of and not ONE of these events could I have prevented. I have always been a called a “worry wart” for as long as I can remember and I am a control freak. I always need things to be just right, not perfect, but just right. (Your saying you’re a control freak D just admit it.) Anyway, what I am trying to say is not one of the events did I have the ability to control. What I have been able to do these last two years is forgive those who have hurt me and I am working on asking those that I have hurt to forgive me.
Since letting go of the anger and hurt that I have held onto I have been able to be more supportive and compassionate to those dealing with problems. I am slow to speak, quick to listen and even slower to anger. I have learned to turn all this over to God and let go of the fear and worry that has consumed me all my life. I believe there is 366 times that “fear not” is stated in the Bible. That means that each day there is no reason to fear anything but to know that God has the situation in His hands and is walking with us. Some have asked me how can you believe in a God that allows bad things to happen to good people? Well, my response is He never promised this life would be easy and without problems but what He did promise is to give us the strength and courage to get through any situation. I look at it this way. He allowed His son to suffer on the cross…..His own son…why should I, or anyone else expect to not suffer in this life.
This is me and my journey and my thoughts it is not meant to offend anyone. This is my reflection and my healing journey!
Today I forgot to take pictures of my journey but promise moving forward to share a picture here and on Instagram and maybe Facebook. I will post each morning of my "plans" for the day and then take pictures as I do them and share my journey. As always please leave me a comment below, call me or maybe come join me one day on my journey.
The whole family did work outside our house today and I am especially grateful for my husband and my oldest daughter. They spent 13 hours on the road yesterday moving our oldest daughter home only to wake up this morning and start moving things again. Organizing every inch of our shed and putting a good size dent in our garage. We cleaned and decluttered... the trash men will absolutely love us tomorrow. I am going to try and be outside when they pick up the trash and offer a bottle of water to thank them for the job I couldn't do. Thank you my beautfiul family, I love you!
“Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you
will end up out in the cold-
real losers.
Those who worked against you
will end up empty-handed-
nothing to show for their lives.
When you go out looking for your old adversaries
you won’t find them-
Not a trace of your old enemies,
not even a memory.
That’s right. Because I, your God,
have a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go.
I’m telling you, “Don’t panic I’m right here to help you.”
Isaiah 41:11-13 MSG
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